Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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