I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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