I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
