at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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