i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
