his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
be right there i have to get my cape
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