i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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