it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
