You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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