You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
