can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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