i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
