I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
