I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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