I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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