I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
