He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
