Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
