Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
