I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
