im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
