So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
