I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
