In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
