Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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