I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Hippo gnu deer
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
