Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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