worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
