eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
