Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
