The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
