swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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