No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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