dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
