Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Randomize
