a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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