Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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