I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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