I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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