I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
