Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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