if i can run in heels then i can drive
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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