I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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