I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
