Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
