There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
