I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
