He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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