You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
