he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
