My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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