I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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