We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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