so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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